The Secret To Picking MTV Movie Awards Winners

OK, there's really no secret. Just leave quality out of it. The MTV Movie Awards air this Sunday night and it's always a fun show as long as you don't expect the voters to hold to any standard except popularity. There's even a category called BEST WTF MOMENT, but the great thing about the MTV Movie Awards is that every category gives you at least one "what the fuck" moment. Let's take a looksee:

Best Movie
The Dark Knight
High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Iron Man

Slumdog Millionaire
Twilight

Slumdog won the Oscar so let's rule that out. Dark Knight and Iron Man were actually good movies, so their chances are shaky. High School Musical 3: Senior Year sucked from start to finish — I expect it to finish strong. But Twilight — bad reviews, bountiful box office — smells like a winner to me. WTF!

And here we go with the other categories:

Best Female Performance

Angelina Jolie — Wanted
Anne Hathaway — Bride Wars
Kate Winslet — The Reader

Kristen Stewart — Twilight
Taraji P. Henson — The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Winslet won the Oscar — that equals no chance here. Hathaway gave the worst performance of her career by a mile in Bride Wars (call her a contender). Jolie was Oscar nominated deservedly for Changeling, so of course MTV nominated her for a movie that required no acting (call her a contender). Henson's was a supporting role. That leaves Stewart (call her the winner).

Best Male Performance

Christian Bale — The Dark Knight
Robert Downey Jr. — Iron Man
Shia LaBeouf — Eagle Eye

Vin Diesel — Fast & Furious
Zac Efron — High School Musical 3: Senior Year

The only category in which a genius like Downey can ever be pitted against the lightweight likes of Diesel and Efron. If anyone wins but the Iron Man there should be a riot in the studio.

Breakthrough Performance: Female

Amanda Seyfried — Mamma Mia!
Ashley Tisdale — High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Freida Pinto — Slumdog Millionaire
Miley Cyrus — Hannah Montana: The Movie
Vanessa Hudgens — High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Kat Dennings — Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Pinto and Dennings against a field that should be up for worst non-acting ever in any medium. Pinto gets my vote, not that it matters.

Breakthrough Performance: Male

Robert Pattinson — Twilight

Taylor Lautner — Twilight
Ben Barnes — The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Dev Patel — Slumdog Millionaire
Bobb’e J. Thompson — Role Models

If Pattinson loses this prize, MTV knows nothing of ratings and shameless pandering to its audience. I think MTV knows plenty about its audience. Sorry Patel, you really deserved it.

Best Comedic Performance

Amy Poehler — Baby Mama
Anna Faris — The House Bunny
James Franco — Pineapple Express

Jim Carrey — Yes Man
Steve Carell — Get Smart

All the nominees are actually defensible. My heart is with Faris, but Franco was sublime.

Best Kiss

Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy — Wanted

Freida Pinto and Dev Patel — Slumdog Millionaire
James Franco and Sean Penn — Milk
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson — Twilight
Paul Rudd and Thomas Lennon — I Love You, Man

Penn macking on Franco is the cleverest nominee, but homophobia is getting stronger (Yes, I mean you California!). Also bad news for Rudd and Lennon. Slumdogs Patel and Pinto deserve the prize, so write them off. That leaves Jolie and McAvoy (seems remote) and Stewart and vampire boy Pattinson (come up and get your prize).

Best Villain

Derek Mears — Friday the 13th
Dwayne Johnson — Get Smart
Heath Ledger — The Dark Knight

Johnathon Schaech — Prom Night
Luke Goss — Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Shall we not kid ourselves? Heath Ledger now and forever! Sometimes even MTV gets it right.

Best Fight

Bridal Cat Fight — Anne Hathaway vs. Kate Hudson

Battle Over Gotham — Christian Bale vs. Heath Ledger
Vampire Showdown — Robert Pattinson vs. Cam Gigandet
Battle in Hell — Ron Perlman vs. Luke Goss
3 Way Stoner Fight — Seth Rogen and James Franco vs. Danny McBride

This is the year of the vampire, but the horror of Bride Wars truly sucked the life out of me.

Best WTF Moment

Peeing In The Sink — Amy Poehler (Baby Mama)
Curved Bullet Kill — Angelina Jolie (Wanted)

Jumping In The Poop Shed — Ayush Mahesh Khedekar (Slumdog Millionaire)
Tasting Decapitated Head — Ben Stiller (Tropic Thunder)
Naked Break Up — Jason Segel and Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

I'll take naked over pee and poop every time. I suspect MTV's head is in the crapper.

What's your nominee for Best WTF Movie Moment that MTV forgot? Mine is Christian Bale's rant on the set of Terminator Salvation. Now that moment really deserves award consideration.

Send in your own WTF suggestions, and I'll blog or Twitter your best ones.

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